Graduation

Graduation is a ceremony that marks the academic achievement - kindergarten (yes, I had a graduation for completing 2 hours of nap per day and finger painting), primary school, high school, university. In life, I had 3 proper graduations - kindergarten and twice during university.

My graduation this time round is on a really special date 11/12/13 and its not only the date that is special. It was quite a day. I started off not wanting to attend because I just don't feel like it. I had done the ceremony 3 years ago and despite my effort, my dad could not be here to see me shake hands and smile for the second time. In the moment of sadness, I burst out crying and was trying to convince my brother to go on my behalf.

After calming down and being talked into doing it by my friends, I decided to put on a brave face and my Dr Martens and just go for it. While I was complaining about looking completely ridiculous in the oversize gown (I am petite), I got a phone call from Pretty Girl. When we hugged, it feels like she never left. If its possible, it feels like the hug was 3 months long, we started hugging on 10/9/13 and had just let go 11/12/13.

Then familiar faces just kept popping up, I saw my former classmates one by one. I had never kissed so many faces in my life before. I must say I like the face kissing greetings. Malaysians beware! I am starting a new tradition. Its not long before Ipek showed up. In the midst of chaos, I took 5 minutes to see D. It took me 2 seconds to spot him but he was struggling to find me in the sea of robes. As he put it "Its like Hogwarts, everyone is dressed in robes" and I suppose being a Chinese in a sea of Chinese dressed in the same robe doesn't make his job easy (find Waldo?).

Picture stole from Ipek. =)

But when we finally do, both of us took a look at each other and burst of laughing. I looked like I was swallowed by a pile of black textile and he looked like he had a fan permanently in front of him blowing wind into his face like in a photoshoot. Anyone that knows him know he is known for his crazy curly hair. Imagine when his sister told me we had to put on silly headgear for Christmas and said Dom had it covered with his hair. At least he made an effort and I appreciate that alot.

Someone stole my mortarboard after we took the mandatory hat in the air shot and I was stucked with an oversized one.

Ceremony was mundane and frankly, rushing. Be that as it may, I still managed to tear up when the Principal said "now the graduates please stand up, face your family and friends, thank them for their support." I wished my father could be there again to witness it. All the time during the ceremony, all I could think of is "whats next? the next time I feel like that might be my wedding. I will savour this feeling while I can."

The ceremony followed by lots of hugging, kissing and photo taking. I felt like a celebrity and is secretly glad that I decided to be there. I would kick myself so much if I missed that. That following night was a nice staying in slumber party for 2. Pretty Girl and I stayed in the same hotel and with the Tequila I bought from Spain and some fruit juices, I went to her room and became the amateur bartender and whipped up some sub-standard cocktail for us to sip whilst talking about life and love.

She got me a gift, I got her a gift. Whilst mine is just a souvenir from Spain, she gave me a lipstick with the name Rouge IN LOVE. Reason? She said she wants me to be in love. Nuff said, she just got up my VIP list.

In a way, this graduation not only serve as a celebration for our achievement, it was a reunion, closure and reminder of how good things could turn out to be when life throws you a curve ball. I found inner peace with sad memories and grew up, I gained so many friends along the way, I experienced things I always wanted to and I met the funnest people that I ever met. I didn't only graduate from my master programme but I graduated from the old me and for that I am happy and darn proud of myself.

Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future

A painful Christmas 
2 years ago (2011), a group of friends and I decided to have a road trip for Christmas. I thought a road trip is something I needed after a tough month before. The trip proved to be painful. It was a trip down memory lane where reconciliation and reunion was the intended purpose. But when the trip involved the ex boyfriend that I broked up with just 2 months before, reunion is the last thing in mind.

A silent Christmas
Last year, I spent Christmas alone in my flat, with flatmate all gone home or elsewhere, it was a silent silent day and night. I have just got home from Paris 2 days before Christmas 2012, so a quiet resting day is very much a bliss.

I am always indifferent to Christmas, I am not Christian and our family never celebrate Christmas, we only started to go for simple meals a few years back and I only started getting present when I have boyfriends to spoil me with them. Christmas is always wrong with the "wrong" temperature with the "wrong" feeling. I suppose if Christmas at the Southern Hemisphere was advertised as much instead, I would feel better. But unfortunately it was the opposite that is on all Christmas cards, Christmas movies and Christmas songs. Being in a cold country during Christmas somehow gave me comfort that I am in the "correct" temperature with the "correct" feeling.

And within 2 years, I managed to convince myself Christmas time is not a good time. It may be a time of joy and giving but since 2 years ago, I had been feeling "wrongly". So, its suffice to say I never really like Christmas for what it is. I like the presents and the boxing day sale though.

A traditional Christmas
This year I was invited to a traditional English Christmas. I don't know what to expect because I never been to one before, not even one with a Christian family back home, let alone an English family. Its slightly overwhelming for me and even more so when a not very homely person like me is going to spend time with HIS family during this festive time of the year and I have nothing Christmassy except a snowflake necklace to wear, even that wasn't Christmas specific (his mum came to rescue by getting me antlers to put on).

It goes without saying that it turned out to be all good (lots of champagne, chocolate and food), I felt welcomed and had a great time and what's best is I received presents from him and his family, even the little baby. Although this is not much of a cultural shock to me, I still feel awkward to rip my presents' wrapping paper apart in front of the gifters. But seeing how happy everyone is opening presents and a young, new mother being like a kid makes me feel all warm inside and much less awkward.

The best present of all is I got to witness how it is like to celebrate Christmas in the most traditional way, eat a proper Christmas meal lovingly prepared by the BIL, witnessed how loving and caring someone like him can be and 2 for-you-when-you-wear-your-leather-jacket necklaces . It absolutely changes my perspective about having my own family. Maybe I am a true Cancer after all. That or maybe I am growing old and maternal instinct are kicking in.

Ending this post with a picture of me being a very believable reindeer.

In the span of 3 years, I had 3 very different Christmases but needless to say, this year I had a great, if not the best, Christmas with good company, good meal and good news. I hope everyone's Christmas was as good as mine. Here is to wishing the start of many great Christmases to come, may my future Christmases be as good as this one if not even better!

Happiness

is not a destination, its not a journey. Its a state of mind when you are taking the journey. Regardless of reaching the intended destination or a destination that wasn't planned, happiness should always be with us no matter what life throw at us.

I always thought I wasn't happy because I kept too much negativity in me. I took responsibility in everything bad that happened to me and despite all the effort, I never let it go. I blamed and find fault with myself for things that is beyond my control, sulk and cried over it. While it is completely acceptable to do so, I never seem to complete the final phase, that is to let it go.

Even at the "tender" age of 24, I was carrying around a lot of those with me and it had started to affect my life. It was like carrying around bags full of rocks or the psychological professional term - emotional baggage. I never believe that life could be beautiful and I kept worrying about what would happen next rather than living the moment. I used to think I would finally be happy when I finally got over the ex boyfriend and met a new guy. I did met a new guy and was happy for 2 seconds before I started worrying again. Naturally, this doesn't make me happy.

I love the thrill and feel someone gets when they first met someone new and is still learning about each other. Or put it frankly, when the man is going after the woman and basically everything the woman does is cute, sexy or desirable. I kept chasing after this feeling because I thought it would make me happy. Yes, it did make me happy, for another 2 seconds and I have to move on. Eventually it caught up with me and I was where I started again.

After going through that cycle a few times in the past few months, I sank to a new low and I am glad I did. Its like a light bulb that went off in my mind and my heart. I am allowed to feel what I am feeling but I have to do it with care. No one in this world is responsible for how I feel except me. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, picked myself up, dust myself off and went to the airport to pick up my mum and brother, who were here to celebrate my achievement with me.

This is the beginning of the best 2 weeks I had in a while and I couldn't have done it without my family, my dear dear friends and a new perception in happiness.

"As long as I am with you, I don't care where I am."

Today (22 December) is the birthday of someone that gave me a hard lesson on owning up to my own happiness, someone that had only read ONE blog post and proceed to laugh at me for being a cute nerd and also the only person that said "As long as I am with you, I don't care where I am." Without him, I would still be trapped in a bubble I created. Before the clock (GMT) strikes midnight 23 December, once again, Happy Birthday Curly.

Gaudi and his colours

Barcelona, what came to mind? Paella. Sagrada Família. Gaudi. To me, probably just Paella. Don't judge. I have a facebook photo album dedicated to gluttony. I've decided to travel to Barcelona for a short trip because of a several reasons. For starters, I never been to Spain and my mother prefer a milder and temperate weather than chilly Cologne and of course, the cheaper plane ticket make decisions making a no-brainer.

The trip was originally scheduled and planned for four persons - Parents, brother and me. But sadly, it was only 3 of us when Dad couldn't make it. Which also mean the trip basically falls on my shoulder. I don't like the idea of it because I wanted a getaway, not to organise a trip that cater to the taste of a rather unadventurous human being. So, I drown myself in dishes and dishes of Paella. That might be a tad exaggerating.

But if asked whether I enjoyed the trip, yes I did. I never been to Spain, everything is new to me. =) And the colours! Colours everywhere. Except me, which have a suitcase full of black clothes.

I must say going on a trip with your mother and a brother that refused to believe the cute waiter at the restaurant bought you a glass of wine just because he wants to takes the fun out a little. But all in all, with all the colours, the perfect winter - sun + cold, I must say I am loving Barcelona a lot.

Everything had to come to an end

Sorry, I had been on a roller coaster for the past 3 weeks.... I went from sad to happy to very sad to happy then to annoyed, all in one short 3 weeks time.

Needless to say, I was either too sad or enjoying myself too much to have the time to blog. That and also I didn't want to bored people with the same old cycle of my daily routine. Then on the 5th December 2013, my family and friends arrived from different parts of the world and break the routine.

From today onwards, I will be sharing and recording all those moments in my blog. It was the happiest time I had in a while, I hope you will all enjoy it.

Its the festive season, Merry Christmas! I had a lot of fun the past three weeks and had an epiphany. Bonne Année, Bonne Santé!!!!

Just cause

什么是天长地久？就算有了天长地久又如何？人生需要的不是经历，体验而不是牢牢的套住不属于自己的任何事物？有些人在乎天长地久，有些人在乎曾经拥有。当然完美就是你也是你的天长地久的天长地久。可是，天底下有那么多天长地久吗？

本人很在意曾经拥有，因为人是善变的动物，本人就是一个活生生的例子 －贪新忘旧。也因为如此伤了不少人，伤了自己。我因改变了环境而喜欢上了一个人，却忘了正在等待自己的那个他。就算环境依旧，还是因为贪玩而和不该熟的人搭上了。

写这编post，不简单，中文生疏不多说，也鼓起不少勇气承认自己不是个好人。经过不少泪水和思考，我很清楚自己要的是什么，自己要的是谁。。。

To own a time turner

If you are given an opportunity to turn back time, do you want to?

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0kygj8HgL1qdrpdr.jpg

How many times had you heard people saying this "If only I could turn back time."

I am a social scientist, so naturally I have 2 answers. Yes and No.

The NO
I was afraid of a lot of things growing up, mainly because my mother aren't exactly the adventurous type and people around me are protective and never push me to the edge. I was afraid that I might got myself into trouble for doing something, so I always chose not to. I was never happy about my own body and I was never comfortable in my own skin.

Sure enough, every now and then, I still feel the same but I am not the meek, shy introvert anymore. I try everything even though I sometimes don't feel comfortable doing, I make a point of trying before deciding. Shy of anything illegal, I tried quite a great deal of "things", be it morally correct or not. Though I am not proud of some things I've done, I accept it and move on. Hey, at least I tried it, no? I never had to ask myself what if I don't. There is also a saying "You never live life until you got yourself into trouble and your heart broken."

The YES
Everyone has something they regret of, something they wish they had not done or something that they could have done differently. I think up until now, I only have one thing that I would do differently if I could turn back time. That is to handle things like an adult rather than like a child. I would have call it quit the correct way, even though it hurts, it doesn't hurt that much. Its a route I wished I had taken instead of the one I took.

Thats the only thing that I would do differently. Even though I never been through any hardship, I am glad that I was the meek, shy introvert and I am glad I saw a way out and became someone quite different than what I was.

So, if you are given an opportunity to turn back time, would you change anything or you are happy with what you've done no matter how shameful or embarrassed you are, because its a way of life?

Is giving up a cowardly choice?

Life is a summation of decisions or as my friend pointed out in mathematical terms (Life = Σ Decisions). It is a string of decisions made by someone that make up his / her life. There could be billions of possibilities that the particular life would turn out differently because of one single change in those decisions.

As a person who believe that if I am persistent enough, good things will eventually come to me, giving up is never an option. Because it is deemed cowardly and not acceptable. Suck it up and soldier on is the only way to go.

But every now and then, everyone must have feel like that:

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http://static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120521082421/m__/meme/images/1/12/Table_Flip.jpg

Sometimes a little less frustrated and a lot more disappointed.

But then again, this will come back and haunt us.

http://www.celebquote.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/tumblr_ltzgt4yrMJ1r5e0lko1_500_large.gif

She made giving up seem like an easy way out. But WHAT IF it leads no where even after one had been trying and trying. Wouldn't that just waste his / her time? With this question comes another question: WHAT IF it does lead to something wonderful? Perhaps not in the near future but there might be a chance there will be a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow?

I recently met a woman, she is a young mother of 4. She could tell what is troubling me within 5 minutes of meeting me and the horrifying thing is she is right. She offered to tell me my future but I told her I would like to find out myself even though that might eliminate the WHAT IF. *Don't want the "Anakin-Amidala" to happen again*. Uncertainty might be fun, it might be painful but it is also precisely what life is.

I don't think giving up is a cowardly choice, somethings are meant to be given up so that better things could fall in place. But somethings are not. How do you know which to give up and which not to? I have absolutely no idea. It wouldn't be fun if I do.

Still alive

Oh dear.... I've abandoned this space for a month. I wasn't particularly busy but a lot had happened, I learnt so much in the past 6 months than I had the past 23 years in my life.

Life had been rather mundane with most weekdays being very "routine" but just when I was about to sit down on the weekends to dread about how mundane it will be again in the forthcoming week, I got pulled away from the comfy couch, forced to put on "going out" clothes and actually go out.

Not that I am complaining but the weekends always made me forget about how routine the weekdays are. Weekends are always spontaneous, unplanned and full of surprises!!!! It was always always fun, so fun that I forgot the existence of my phone and no picture was taken during those events.

Last week I was invited to my former flatmate and another friend's birthday party at Greenwich. The view is so wonderfully pretty, we were dining at a restaurant by the dock overlooking the river. If the weather is slightly warmer, it will be perfect. But the highlight of the night is the look of my friend's face when I handed him his orange gift.

Somehow the temperature deciding to give us abit of surprise and having a bit of fun with us. The temperature went from 9/10 degree celsius to 0/1 degree celsius in a day! Even though its nothing like Turkey which my friend told me that they have snow during October, but I am not loving this weather.
It seems like Summer have completely wiped my memory of previous months' weather clean. I don't remember it being this cold. But of course, the one perk of being in the cold, its more romantic when taking strolls in the middle of the night. *wink* That is until rain decided that its not cold enough.

Somehow with all these cold, I feel warmer inside (Maybe this is why I feel so much colder now).

Hope this very short and concise post satisfy your craving of me for a while.

18 October 2013

Two nights ago, without planning, I had the best night in my life so far. Why was it the best night? Well, it involves the usual elements you need to have the best night and some more. I hit myself (softly) on the head that I ALMOST missed a great night out.

The day started out rather crappily with the usual family drama (my family must have miss me too much, they decided to remind me of them with a bit of drama) and I went into a very upset mode which quickly turned into a defensive-do-not-talk-to-me-or-I-will-kill-you mode. Thankfully, no one was harm.

The day went by in a rush because we were in a rush. We rush to university then rush down to Cheam (with coffee in between), then rush back to London. Everything is rather like a blur due to the rush and the tears in my eyes.

But I was wrong, what was originally a rather sucky day turns out to be quite fun. We rushed to a pub called "The Comedy Pub/Club" which essentially is down the road from Eat Tokyo. I was so tempted to head towards the food instead of the loud loud music. We went there and I met the funniest, coolest and easy going person on earth (based on first impression - its not easy to achieve that), she is what I expected but more. Even though she know me for 2 seconds, she would tried to make me feel less awkward (I know exactly one person there and being the most outgoing person on earth, I find it too difficult to fit in) and by the end of the night, it's as if I knew her for my entire life.

Night started out with some weird, country-folk songs moving into a soul (my kind) of music and ended with a very young Beatles lookalikes. I went out for a breather and apparently I went out for what seems like a few minutes turns out to be an hour because the performance ended .....

.... and I found these 2 dancing.

I envy the larger in life attitude where having fun is all that matters that they have. All I did is sit there and laugh my butt off. B decided to have round 2 and walked around Soho and got to a rather cool dining / pub call Garlic and shots. There is literally garlic in everything, including beer. But it was too crowded and we decided to give it a pass and ended up at Thirst.

I probably had told everyone that I met that I can't dance, I absolutely can't stress enough that I CANNOT dance. Of course, its only a matter of time I met someone that LOVE LOVE LOVE dancing more than he loves sleeping and eating. He had previously tried to convinced / hoaxed / persuade / everything shy of beg for me to go dancing with him and I always refused, lets face it who wants to make a fool out of themselves? But last Friday night I did, I said yes and went dancing. As much I hate to admit it, I ENJOYED it. R said to me "the whole thing about you not being able to dance, you are lying."

So, we danced our night away. The night not only re-lifted my mood and helped me decide what to do to my ongoing family drama, I made new friends, helped me find a side of me that I didn't know I have and found a side of him that I didn't know that I would ever find. In spite of all the drama, all is well.

Disclaimer: I was too busy enjoying my night and forgot to take pictures. Also the light is not exactly helping in taking pictures, of course, I couldn't stop laughing and that doesn't help in taking pictures and that, I am not sorry.

Walk down Memory Lane

Norwich, a small town where I spent about 3 years of my 24 years living in. Ever since coming back to England, I always wanted to visit Norwich but never seem to have time or just plain lazy / procrastinating. Somehow last Saturday, I decided that its time to visit Norwich.

Somehow, I managed to plan an agenda for everyday through this week, starting the week with a walk down memory lane and ending it with an outing with a new friend but I left one particular person out. Of course, he wasn't too happy about it but it turns out to be a pleasant surprise.

I can't believe that I am saying this but one of the many reasons I procrastinated to go back is because I am afraid. I am afraid that I will be sad, I don't want to face everything that I once had and lost. Going back will remind me of everything that I failed to do.

Oddly, I felt intimidated. Its so familiar but it scares me, Norwich scares me. I know its strange but I felt more free and easy in London considering its so much bigger and chances that you will never see a person that you don't personally know more than once. Having lived in London for the past year gave me the feeling that Norwich is just like Penang. I never had this feeling before. Walking down memory lane does give you a mixed feeling, in my case, literally.

I didn't quite managed to do everything that I wanted, partly because I wanted to save it for the next time, partly because this was too sudden. Anyway, enough of me reminiscing the past. Norwich is beautiful. Its smaller than I remember though, the railway station and Norwich city centre is about the distance between where I live and the nearest underground station in London.

My favourite cafe in Norwich, its the first stop I made.

Then I took the bus back to University of East Anglia.

It wasn't a sunny day, in fact its slightly chilly but it brings me back to where I was 5 years ago, I even located where my room is and saw the new students currently living in there. I regret not getting out from the room to the lake more.

View from the roof top of Suffolk Terrace.

Not to forget where I spent my 2nd and 3rd year of University with my former housemate, Alex. 

In the end, I came back to London feeling content. Yes, things changed. Norwich didn't change much, University doesn't change much except that there are another accommodation building near Colman House currently going under construction. School of Economics moved to a new location and the opposite of where it used to be.

But I changed a great deal. I used to fuss about how far it was having to live outside university and the long bus ride to city centre. I used to be afraid of things that I am not certain with. I am still afraid but now I learnt how not to fuss about it too much, just try my very best.

Hope you enjoy this mini tour around Norwich. Hopefully in the near future I would be able to take more picture around Norwich.

Cooking and Baking is NOT my forte!

I love to eat (who doesn't), usually its other reasons that make the eater think twice, usually one of these 2 reasons: afraid of getting fat OR plain old lazy. I happened to fall in the second category, occasionally the first category. Who doesn't want to indulge in their favourite Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream (I once finished a whole tub in a sitting)? Who doesn't want to fall into a sugar coma after eating too much dessert?

I told a friend that I don't really like eating and I don't eat much. His reply?

"You are a liar. You can eat, you are tiny but you can eat! You just finished a whole week's worth of food in one meal. You are just lazy to do food shopping and cooking. By the way, you must have take massive dump daily, where did all the nutrition go?"

Sadly, the fats doesn't find its way to where its suppose to be. Its suffice to say I LOVE to eat, I am just too lazy to cook. But being the lucky me, I seemed to always have a guardian angel, or should I say a cooking-loving guardian angel, willing to go out a limb to cook for me. When I was struggling on my first term tests and assignments, my cousin made me japanese hash brown (korroke) and some really delicious pumpkin dish (sorry, forgot the name). Then, comes new year's day, I just have to show up at her door step, I get wonderful home-cooked hot soup noodle to warm myself up.

The cycle went on, all I had to do is show up and I got food in my belly and a huge smile on my face. Until she has to leave. =( I went on for 3 months with no proper food, then I got close with Pretty Girl and she became my food angel. =P Though she doesn't cook for me as much, for some reason she kept asking me whether I am hungry. Making sure I do eat something.

July was a crazy month, I spent most of the time either sleeping or out wandering around London with Ipek or Pretty Girl or the pub. Not much food went into my belly that month and without trying, I lost some weight. I remember that for my birthday, I only had ONE meal. That is definitely a record (I am a Chinese, we celebrate everything by eating too much.)

Then the inevitable happened, Pretty Girl had to leave. No one is going to ask me whether I am hungry anymore (the funny thing is, when we go out, we don't eat together. She will eat while I am still full and when I am hungry, she had just finished her meal not long ago) =( Then the universe sent me another food angel, he cooks good food (I am impressed because the male species that I am familiar with, can't cook) and because he is always hungry, I eat whenever he does (Its not nice to decline someone that put in so much effort to cook you something). Had I not been bad in cooking, I probably would never appreciate the effort as much.

Ok, ok, enough about cooking. I actually want to talk about baking. I wasn't really into both but if I have to choose one, I will pick baking, mainly because I am nuts for dessert. I can make wicked waffles (which my family love) and this is my first attempt to make Green Tea / Matcha Mille Crepe cake. I steal the recipe from Julie Van (Green Tea Mille Crepe) and I must say it is quite successful for first attempt. Its not perfect (custard is abit clumpy and the crepes are not even in size or shape) but I am quite pleased with myself. I wouldn't go through the steps as its quite messy while in progress, so I will just post the picture of the end product.

Ugly custard.... Well, at least it taste good. Alright, I am going to finish this cake which I painstakingly stand in front of the stove, making layer by layer for the past few hours. Plus, I am quite positive no one would like a matcha on matcha cake as much as me.

Edit: By the time this was posted up, the cake no longer survive my gluttony.

A book to remember.....

Moleskine is an Italian company that specialises in notebooks, journals and diaries. The notebooks, journals and diaries all have leather cover. I am a fan of leather, if possible, I would have everything in leather: leather bags, leather jackets (those are the coolest!). Bags and purses made out of leather just look much more grown up and expensive. Remember the canvas wallets complete with velcro that we used when we are a kid?

Back to Moleskine, I always like them but its quite expensive when it comes to the price of a notebook. However, I think if its a journal that you will be using for the entire year or better yet, for the next 18 months, a leather cover diary is definitely not too much. 

I have 4 / 5 different Moleskine for different purposes. A diary, a couple of notebooks and a Book journal. Recently, I started to record my feelings about incident or events that had happened in my life or just random thoughts that spring in my mind while I am out and about. A few days ago, I bought a new Book journal to record all books that I have read. I used to be an avid reader since young but after university and work, I never seem to find the time to indulge in some book reading. With more time on hand now, I bought a few books on the cheap and went to the local library and borrow a few more. I was searching for a book journal to record all books that I've read and I must say in addition to the pretty leather cover and different languages imprinted on it, this book journal is the best one I had came across. Of course, the stickers are a bonus. =)

Oh, if you can't tell already, I am totally obsessed with everything French. The language, the jewellery, the country, the FOOD......

Creative Writing

I am writing because I always love writing. Many people in my life told me that they admire people that could write and write and write. Some told me that they not persistent enough or are too lazy to do it daily. Even though I am good numerically, I longed to be good artistically, but unfortunately, I can only draw to an extent, I can't design, so I decided writing is a perfect outlet for me to express myself. Now that I have more free time on hand, I write a lot a lot more. I even chose to attend Creative Writing class once a week. Even though a few person don't really agree that I should attend a class to learn how to write, I think being exposed to writing formally will help me appreciate what I am writing even more.

For starters, writers see a text much more differently than non-writers. True enough, everyone is a writer, who hasn't write essays in their life? No matter how much you hated it, everyone has to write essays in language classes and if you are from Malaysia, you would probably have to write it in at least 2 languages. But those essays are different, we followed a certain structure, a certain plot (usually plots that would score us the highest marks possible) and are never allowed to write, creatively. A friend of mine wrote about his thoughts on a series of books (I don't remember the name) for his English class, because he knew his teacher will like it. Of course, he aced it.

During school time, writing is always a must, but it doesn't come from the heart, it always come from memories, from pages and pages of essays we tried hard to cramped into our head the day before the exam. So, suffice to say, a lot of people hated it.

I remembered when I was 15 someone asked me what do I want to be when I grow up, I told him I wanted to be a writer. I suppose I always know what I wanted but did not follow through that ambition of mine. So, attending Creative Writing class is a step closer to what I would love to do. Right now, its a hobby but who know what will happen in the future.

Anyway, this is something I wrote during the class and would love to share. The tutor walked us through memories of our life - from early years till present. She told us to write something when we were a kid, 10th birthday, thing / person we loved most during our teenage years, favourite place and the place we are living now (more precisely, the room in a house we hang out most). To be honest, writing came pretty easy for me when I was writing about my baby years, favourite place and the place I hang out most. But when it comes to my 10th birthday and the thing / person I loved most during my teenage years, I was just making things up. I got stuck and uninspired.

This is why I love about writing. Writing reflects a certain part of the author, it may be fictional but the final work will always reflect the characteristic of the author. It will also reflect characteristic and personality of the reader. Well, someone that prefer to see things the positive way would never chose to read something dark and depressing or they would not enjoy it. I am now very clear that why I was stuck and uninspired when I was writing about my 10th birthday and my teenage years. Those were the years I "blanked" out, I was searching for myself and is always uncomfortable and insecure. I am happy to know that I grew out of it and its those years that shaped my character. So, even though I hated my high school years (and the fact that I went to an all girls' school), its those experience that made me who I am. My friend once told me "Love it or hate it, treasure it, its what makes you who you are today. If you were to go to a mixed gender school, you would be less "you" and we probably wouldn't have crossed paths." I think she is right, even with the ups and downs, I wouldn't want my life to turn out any other way (and it could only get better from here).

Falling in Love

Few months ago, I was asked this question: "How do you know when you are in love?" At that moment, I dug deep in my brain and in my heart, first searching for my definition of love then attempt to answer the question in the most accurate and concise manner. All I got is "Erm...I don't know....maybe...erm....you just know. I don't know, please don't ask me that question."

Obviously, my friend looked at me with a blank, confused face. But I know what was in her mind - "And you claimed to be an expert in love. Pftt!!"

Movies always tell us that "Love" is something you give out unconditionally, you don't have a reason as to why you are doing it, you just do. Movies also tell us that "Falling in love" is an act that you do subconsciously. There is a conflict there. If you do it without knowing consciously, how do you know you have done it?

Yesterday, the same friend sent me this clip from Before Sunset and along with the scene she sent me a written version of what the heroine Celine said in the movie.

Source:http://31.media.tumblr.com/a8ffabee0e231fc38d39126ddf9f7bb2/tumblr_mq3r1gitRQ1r9a9jho1_500.gif

Celine: You know I'm happy you are saying that, I mean I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like... (snap her fingers) ...this! You know. People just have an affair or even entire relationships. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of Cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never really recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts me too much... or even getting laid, I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy... When I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees and rolling on the sidewalk, or ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk. Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, that I miss, and will always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

So, falling in love is noticing specific details of someone? If you ask 10 people the question what is Love, you will probably get at least 10 different versions of answer. Some will tell you its unconditionally, while others disagree. Some will tell you its something magical, while others will tell you its logical. Some will say "Love is unlimited" while others will tell you "I don't believe in Love".

Frankly, I still don't have the "correct" answer yet because the feeling that I thought was "in love" turns out to be "confused". But for now, my answer is "Being in love is feeling content and happy with your current situation with that someone" Be its with family or with a stranger that could potentially be your family, if you are content and happy with him or her or it, you are in love.